I Became the Very Thing I Swore to Destroy — A Star Wars Fan
"Destroy" is a strong word but you get the point.
Once when I was in school, a classmate told me that I’m way too pretty to be as big of a geek as I am. She said this in response to a conversation a few of were having where I brought up superhero comics and Star Wars, and at the time I was really taken aback because that is such a crazy thing to say to someone. Here we are, almost two years later, and to be very honest, I still can’t figure out if it was an insult, a compliment, or just a badly worded observation. Anyways, I have always been sorta aware enough to know that my interests are the kind that you see the geeky people on tv get picked on for, but for all I had in common with those characters, Star Wars was one of those things I just never resonated with. And it wasn’t even like I ever gave it a try, but Star Wars fans are so insufferable that I told myself I would never get into it — as you can tell by the title, things clearly didn’t work out the way I wanted.
When I was 16, on a random Sunday afternoon, I decided to take the plunge and press play on Episode I — The Phantom Menace because I had just finished my exams and was on a mission to watch the full filmography of Natalie Portman, my favourite actress. It’s been around two years since then and I still haven’t even come close to that goal, but after finishing TPM I was too occupied to keep trying.
To say it was love at first sight would be a lie because I fell asleep halfway into the movie and almost gave up right then and there. There’s no way this was the great and beloved Star Wars everyone was always ranting and raving about. But after some correspondence with my friend, I said “What the hell, sure,” and decided to give it another go, and I am so glad I did. I think the reason I didn’t really vibe with Episode I at first was because I had no real experience with the universe and it isn’t really a movie made for a first time fan. After getting used to the content now, I understand the merit to watching the original trilogy first and then dipping into the prequels, but my intention was never to be a Star Wars fan — I was just watching the three films Natalie was in and then I’d move on to the other works she had in her catalogue. Never would I have imagined that I, the same person who used to purposely avoid Star Wars Rebels on DisneyXD unless there was nothing else on TV, would have become a full fledged Star Wars fanatic.
In time I’ve grown to love TPM and appreciate it for what it is and what it was trying to do, but in the immediate aftermath of that, Episode II — Attack of the Clones was actually the movie that really made me lock in for this whole Star Wars thing. Quite ironic actually, considering this movie is probably the one that is most disliked in the trilogy by the average fan. Thankfully, I watched these movies in my own little vacuum with no external influence (aside from my above-mentioned friend telling me to just finish Episode I), so I was much more appreciative to the story, the acting, and especially to Anakin and Padmé’s relationship.
Everyone loves to say Anakin was awkward and weird in AOTC and it makes no sense for Padmé to fall for him, and that the acting and dialogue in this film are stilted, and blah blah blah. But like I said, I watched these movies on my own with no one feeding me any of their own takes, and I understood perfectly what George Lucas was trying to accomplish here: Anakin is a member of the Jedi and he hasn’t had the average upbringing that others in the Order do, so he has to work harder to suppress the way he feels but he’s also madly in love with Padmé and wants her to take him seriously. Pair that with him feeling endless guilt over leaving his mother behind in slavery, and that freak Palpatine in his ear, it leaves an awkward, but arrogant teenage boy. In Padmé’s case she is suddenly reintroduced to this person she met once as a child, only to find out that he is mindblowingly hot, is her assigned bodyguard, and she has never once put herself first for anything, instead prioritising her career and service to others. 2+2 = 4, people, and ‘4’ in this case is the ultimate romance that had me in shambles.
I only gave AOTC a 3.5 star rating when I watched it the first time because I do think it, once again, is a movie for people who are already somewhat attached to the franchise, and the plot itself, while much more fun to me than TPM, did fall kind of flat at points. And of course, there were moments (few and far between, in my opinion, but not everyone agrees) where the dialogue did feel very head scratchy and the acting was a bit meh, but those weren’t even my biggest concern because that honour goes to the very convoluted plot. On my first watch I left with a good couple of questions about what was going on, and even on my first few rewatches I was picking up more details and Easter eggs I missed. That bogged the movie down a bit for me cause I like to at least know what’s going on, but the more exposed I became to the universe, the better I liked it. Under my dictatorial regime, Attack of the Clones will be the official film of the Empire.
Onto the final prequel film: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith. I have only seen this movie twice: my very first watch, and then last week for the rerelease. Both times I had to truly sit down and process the excellence I just bore witness to. This is the very best Star Wars movie, and you can talk and tweet until y’all are blue in the face but I do not care. I will probably never watch this movie again — as a matter of fact I said this the first time I watched it too, but I couldn’t pass up the chance to see it in theatres — because as much as I adore it, it puts me into a state of genuine emotional distress. Such a beautiful and heartfelt story came to such a tragic ending and it fucked me up so bad that days later when I was at my graduation I sat there in the audience thinking of how it all went to shit. Which leads me to my next point…
Like I mentioned before: the plan was not to become Star Wars-brained. It was supposed to be a quick movie trilogy — 7 hours maximum — but the heartbreak was too much to overcome on its own so I just had to press play on Episodes IV to VI. Star Wars is so ubiquitous that there were almost no major plot points that shocked me by the time I got to this trilogy. Of course, if I had watched in release order then the Skywalker twins reveal would have shocked me, but that was already taken care of when the med droid said that Padmé was carrying twins in Episode III, so crisis averted but spoiler formed; I was really only along for this part of the ride so I could see the famed Darth Vader redemption.
Don’t get me wrong, even though I watched the heavily edited and amended versions of the film, it is extremely easy to understand why these movies are so highly revered. In my opinion the original 1977 film is the weakest of the trilogy, but still pretty solid; My favourite moment is the Binary Sunset, which is hands down the greatest shot in cinema and I do not think it should be controversial to say that because it’s true.
I actually don’t have very much to say about the original trilogy because 1) they are so well loved that there isn’t anything I could say that hasn’t been said over the course of 50 years (the prequels unfortunately don’t have that privilege) and 2) I actually am not as big a fan of them as I am of the prequels. Not that I need to explain myself because I can think and do whatever the hell I want, and maybe it’s cause I watched the prequels first, but I just prefer the story, characters, and the score (I love a good musical accompaniment) more. Yes I know that is a very unpopular opinion, and ten years ago it might have gotten me stoned in the town square, but it is my truth. George Lucas and I are on a very special wavelength that you just wouldn’t understand, and that’s totally okay.
For the two-ish years that I’ve been a Star Wars fanatic, Episode V —The Empire Strikes Back has been my favourite and what I viewed as the best of the originals because I thought it had everything. The twist didn’t gag me per say because aside from the fact that I watched the prequel lead up, I can’t think of a time where I didn’t know the line “Luke, I am your father,” (yes I know that’s not the actual wording he used) even before I even really knew what Star Wars actually was. Nonetheless, when I watched it and put myself in the mind of a teenager in 1980… yeah I would have been thrown for a fucking loop too. Even better for me was trying to picture what it was like to have to wait three years to know if that man was lying or not. A friend of mine who’s studying to become a screenwriter told me the other day that her professor put ESB on so they could critically analyse it and yeah, the movie literally changed modern cinema and the way we as a society view movies, so of course you’d want your next generation of future creators to really understand just how serious this gets.
A couple weeks ago, as part of my family’s required (by me of course) pre-viewings for when I took them to watch ROTS, I started to see Return of the Jedi in a brand new light from the other times I had seen it. Like I said, Empire was the best of the trilogy to me, but it was something about this specific watch that made me kind of question that. Even now I’m not sure which of them I would put in the number one spot because my answer will change based on the time of day you ask me. I just think it’s such a terrific way to wrap up the most popular story of all time (save for like, the tales of Jesus or something) and I can’t fathom leaving the theatre in 1983 and not feeling like this was a perfect conclusion.
I said I didn’t have much to say about the originals and then went on to say a ton.
Now the whole reason I’m writing this arkyve issue is actually because of the cyclic nature of my hyperfixations, and this time it just so happens that it came back in time for the 20th anniversary of one of the greatest films I have ever watched. I would’ve gone to see it regardless, and my interest in the franchise probably would’ve been re-piqued anyways, but the sudden re-interest came from me finally deciding to sit down and watch Episode VII — The Force Awakens. You might be wondering “Asha, what do you mean you only saw TFA for the first time in The Year of Our Lord 2025?” and to that I say, I only ever got around to the original six films. I mean, I didn’t even watch The Clone Wars until this 2025 rewatch started.
I have even less to say about the sequels than I do the original trilogy because I, unfortunately (?), didn’t like TFA. My exposure to the fandom over the last few years made me aware that they aren’t well liked, but these are also the same fans who hated on my beloved prequels for years. So you can imagine how I took their opinions with bowlfuls of salt. Sorry to Oscar Isaac, however, but I just wasn’t feeling this movie at all, even though I really tried to. And I don’t have much else to say about that…
Anyway, all this to say, I truly do love this franchise. My love for it was greatly unexpected, and this story genuinely depresses me sometimes from how sad it can get, but I am extremely Star Wars-pilled and I have made it everyone’s problem. As I finally get around to doing a full run through of all its many, many, many tv series and hopefully a good chunk of its hundreds of books, I’ve developed an even greater love for it. So thank you Natalie Portman; I love you Natalie Portman.
And if you haven’t checked out the franchise yet, I would 200% recommend it — you haven’t witnessed great television until you’ve seen The Clone Wars and Andor, and haven’t known real romance until you have experienced Anidala.
